HBB – I think this film is best understood by entirely comparing it to other films. HBB – I know! And they’d tried to give her a Barbara Stanwyck fringe for extra film noir appeal. All I could see was a wide eyed primate forcing out tears. I laughed out loud during the funeral scene when WD referred to her as a beautiful woman. VIP – Madonna looks like a bush baby in a blonde wig.
HBB – Even all the sexy women look washed out because everyone is wearing brown mascara instead of black. HBB – Everything about it is so wishy washy. HBB – It’s a flimsy, caffeine-free diet Basic Instinct. VIP – They must have been super keen to capitalise! HBB – I know – I think it started filming like two weeks after that came out. VIP – It is basically a brass etching of Basic Instinct. This is just one of those films where you can see what they tried to do, but they failed in every way. He could have ended up on a reality series with Alex Reid, and he would have deserved it. HBB – Terrorising Macy Gray, and dying of being stabbed by his own hoverboard. VIP – To me, he will always be the Green Goblin. HBB – And wasn’t he a right ‘character’ in this! To me, he’ll always be Bobby Peru from Wild at Heart, which is why I find him horrifying and very not sexful. Willem Dafoe is a good actor and everything, but his face looks like it was made from parts of the faces of three other actors who are all handsome individually, but don’t work as a team on Willem Dafoe’s skull. HBB – Um, I just felt pretty bored the whole time, and vaguely repelled by the sex grimace. VIP – How did you feel watching it this time round? Ashamed? I hope so. Some days I’d apologise but tonight I just don’t care. As a sheltered 13 year old, I was naturally desperate to see it. I remember Smash Hits magazine making an enormous fuss when it came out and printing lots of stills, mainly of the aforementioned sex grimace. Luckily it’s one of those films where that doesn’t matter. HBB – I remember only having a nebulous idea of the preceding plot at that point, which suggests I have never actually seen the whole film. VIP – What made you decide to watch it, first time round? I remember watching it for about ten seconds, seeing Willem Dafoe’s sex grimace, and ‘nope’-ing the TV off. Actually the second thing is a lie – I absolutely remember this film because of the candle scene. Or why anyone spent even a fraction of their respective lives making this film. HardBoiledBunny – I really don’t know why I chose this film. Vanilla Ice Pick – Tell me why you chose this utter bollocks of a film.
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